by Angela Sanders | Oct 7, 2015
October is Pastor Appreciation Month, and rightly so, as these devoted servants do so much for their flocks and bear so much more than most of us would be willing to take on, their being the ones directly responsible to God for the spiritual health of their congregations, but I can’t help noticing that there is no such thing as Minister of Music Appreciation Month, Youth Minister Appreciation Month, Children’s Minister Appreciation Month, Custodian Appreciation Month, etc.
It bothers me more than a little bit, as those who serve alongside the pastor are often those who do the most to bring the pastor’s vision and the church’s programming to fruition, serving behind the scenes, often without the same kind of recognition, encouragement, reward, and thanks that the pastor receives as the one behind the pulpit, the one whose name is on the sign out front.
This being so, I encourage you to consider October Church Staff Appreciation Month. Express your appreciation and thanks to your pastor, but don’t stop there. Take a peek over his shoulder, consider those who make up his dedicated team, and express your appreciation and thanks to them as well. If your church has a large ministerial staff—I think ours is up in the mid-teens now—focus on those who lead the ministry area where you serve or where your family is served.
Not sure what’s expected of you? The answer is “nothing.” Those who serve on church staff do so to please the Lord, not to win the approval of men. That’s precisely what makes blessing these selfless people so much fun! So, get involved. Make this October a month your pastor and the rest of your church staff will always remember.
Here are a few ideas:
- Tell them how you feel. Eye to eye. Face to face. Start with “I’m so thankful for you” or “Thank you for all you do,” but don’t leave it there. Prove that you’ve given their service some real thought by finishing sentences like “I want you to know that I see how you…,” “You are really good at…,” “I am challenged by your…,” or “I will never forget the time that you….” This may feel a little awkward—for you AND for them—but they will be touched, whether or not they respond the way that you hope they will.Remember, these folks don’t do what they do to receive recognition or praise, and many of them don’t know what to say back. They don’t want to take credit for what God has done through them or come across as being conceited, so they stammer, over-explain, or argue with you. It took my mother and me about ten years to teach my husband just to smile and say “Thank you” to people who compliment him.
- Pat a back, shake a hand, or hug a neck. Unless the church staff member you want to thank is a touch-me-not (and that’s okay!), express your appreciation through appropriate touch, as touch is the primary love language of some folks, and you don’t want to leave them out. Not sure what is appropriate? Generally, you should only offer hugs to people of your same gender. If you happen to be very good friends, side hugs are appropriate. When in doubt, go with a back pat or a handshake.
- Do something nice for them. Help them cross items off their to-do lists by taking on tasks that you can shoulder for them, whether that be in the office or around the house. If you prefer to help in the office, you might offer to do mail-outs, make phone calls, organize, clean up, set up, decorate, unlock, lock up, transport, etc. If you prefer to help around the house, you might offer to mow, pull weeds, babysit, dog walk, window wash, decorate, cook, bake, clean, wash or fold laundry, or iron. If your offer to help is declined, don’t take it personally, as the reasons for their declining probably have nothing at all to do with you. Know that your offer is appreciated whether or not you get the chance to follow through.
- Spend time with them. Of all of the suggestions given, this may be the most difficult to do, as most of us are busy these days and the demands on your church staff members’ time are likely already more than they can manage with so many people depending on them. Still, letting them know that your interest in them goes beyond their service to you as a church member is invaluable. Invite them to attend a social activity with you, offer to take them to dinner, or treat them to a cup of coffee at their convenience. Should they accept, spend that time getting to know them as an individual and, no matter how much veer back to their conversational default, don’t let them “talk shop.” Leave church chatter for a later time!Again, be sensitive to social propriety here. Only spend time alone with church staff members of your same gender. If the church staff member you want to thank is of the opposite gender and you are unmarried, bring a friend with you, ride in separate vehicles, and remain in the public eye for accountability reasons. If the church staff member you want to thank is of the opposite gender and you are married, let your spouse do the inviting and make sure your spouse is present at all times.
- Give them a gift. Cost isn’t important. Spend as much or as little as you are comfortable spending, as it truly is the thought that counts. If you don’t know what they like, ask around so you can give something they will actually use/enjoy. If you don’t know whom to ask or want to make sure that your gift is not misinterpreted, go with something universally appealing like movie passes, candles, restaurant gift cards, or gas cards. Even better than a gift of monetary value—although you don’t have to forgo one to give the other!—is a card full of words that show thought and careful consideration in the selection, words that they can share with a spouse and/or children and reread when they most need it. Resist the urge to simply sign your name to a prewritten verse. Take the time to include hand-written sentiments specific to your experience with the person you are writing the card to. Not sure what to say? Look back at the sentence starters in idea #1 in this list.
- Most importantly, pray! Thank God for these individuals and ask Him to bless them for their faithful service. Pray for their marriages and their family members one by one, putting yourself in their shoes and considering what their needs might be right now. Ask God to strengthen them and protect them from an Enemy that would love to see them fail publicly. Ask God to refresh them daily as they pour themselves out for the Kingdom and to restore to them the joy of their salvation even as they grow in their faith and challenge others to do the same. Just imagine! If we all prayed faithfully for our church staff for an entire month, they would have to feel it, wouldn’t they? And wouldn’t that be the greatest blessing of all?
Happy Church Staff Appreciation Month, everyone! Let’s let them know they’re loved.
by Angela Sanders | Sep 17, 2015
I am no expert on female friendship—just ask the precious, patient ladies brave enough to call me buddy!—but the questions and comments that I receive during and after the sessions I teach to girls’ and ladies’ groups lead me to believe that all women, inside and outside the Church, have one thing in common. We all approach female friendship with at least a touch of trepidation.
Why is that?
I think it’s a variable mix of several factors: past hurts that haven’t fully healed, personal feelings of inadequacy, lack of experience with and exposure to healthy female friendships, and awareness of our own fleshly tendencies and subsequent projection of those tendencies on others. Whatever the case, it just shouldn’t be, especially in the sisterhood of the Church!
What’s to be done? Simple. Be the woman you wish existed; be the friend you wish you had.
Not sure how to start? Here are three suggestions taken from a list of ten that I presented this past weekend at a ladies’ conference. We were able to go into more depth, of course, but you get the general idea.
- Give other women the benefit of the doubt. Unless you know that you’ve done something to elicit a negative response, assume that what you perceive to be negative behavior from another woman either isn’t or has nothing to do with you. Don’t dwell on it, don’t dig, and act as if nothing has happened unless you can’t get past it. In that case, ask questions free of accusation and trust the answers you receive. If you have done something wrong, make it right and help her move past it by cheerful example. Either way, practice compassion and patience, knowing that she will probably regret her behavior later, struggle with guilt and/or self-doubt, or feel and have to deal with the effects of the drama she created. We’ve all been there and can agree that it’s a terrible feeling!
- Welcome new women into your circle. We women can be pretty territorial when it comes to friendship, and by “territorial,” I mean selfish. We assume that to share with others is to have less for ourselves. Not true! Friendship is not a trophy to hold above the heads of others, but a blessing that comes alive and multiplies when shared. That’s not to say you can’t have a best friend or an inner circle. Those can be healthy—notice that I said “can.” Just make sure that you give your friends the room and freedom necessary to broaden their friend base, putting their emotional health above your need to feel irreplaceable. Also, when you and your friends are around other women, make sure your group operates more like a lava lamp, warm, inclusive, and fluid, than like lava rock, cold and impenetrable, so that everyone around you feels welcome, safe, and accepted and your group of friends doesn’t become a stumbling block to other women.
- Stop competing. We all do it on some level. Maybe not openly, but we do. It shows up in even the tiniest choices we make. Which necklace to wear? Whichever one impresses. What topic to discuss? Whichever one makes us feel more successful than those around us. Whom to spend time with? Whoever provides us with the greatest social advantage. What status to post? Whatever makes us look the most connected, trendy, intellectual, spiritual,…(insert appropriate adjectives). Yuck! Isn’t it about time we started asking ourselves different questions? Here’s a start: How can I help? How can I encourage? How can I instill confidence? How can I uplift? How can I guide? How can I heal? How can I serve? If you want to stand out in the crowd, ladies, all you have to do is set your heart to “bless” instead of “impress,” and you’ll end up doing both!
Of course, all of this is much easier said than done, which is why it’s so important to keep in step with the Holy Spirit and rely on God’s strength to help you overcome selfish urges. In the end, you will benefit and He will be glorified through you.
Now, those of us who have been around the block once or twice know that doing the right thing is no guarantee that others will reciprocate. Even so, loving others the way God intends frees you up to live life with a lighter heart and at least a little less drama, and isn’t that worth the effort?
by Angela Sanders | Sep 2, 2015
“And then what did He say?”
“How did he say it?”
“Who else was there?”
“Did they look surprised? Show me.”
These are the kinds of questions my friends and loved ones know to expect from me when relaying a story about something that happened when I wasn’t around. I guess I don’t trust them to remember everything without a little prompting, or at least I don’t trust them to remember everything that I think is important.
So much of what we experience is subjective, you see, and we tend to highlight in our minds only that which pertains to and affects us. The only way to be sure that I get the information that I need personally from a second-hand account is to interrogate the witness. Sometimes, that’s not enough.
Sometimes, you just have to be there.
I love reading Oswald Chambers. My Utmost for His Highest is one of my favorite devotional guides. As I write devotional guides myself and tend to get caught up in those projects, it’s nice to get a fresh perspective on God’s Word from someone else who dug, wrestled, and reported in his findings.
Oswald’s insight inspires me. He can be a bit extreme sometimes, and I heartily disagree with him every once in a while, but I appreciate his passion and boldness and transparency, as so much of what he shares about human frailty and failings could only come from personal experience and the Holy Spirit having shown him these things in himself. It’s this very transparency that I strive for when I write.
Still, I don’t trust Oswald Chambers to tell me everything I need to know about the Bible and what God would have me take away from its pages. Oswald’s message is filtered, after all, through his own experience. His takeaways are those things which pertain to and affect him.
Oswald gives me snippets of Scripture pulled out of context and asks me to rely on his interpretation of not only their meaning, but the larger context of the passage from which they were pulled. I have no doubt that what he says the passages mean is exactly what the Holy Spirit spoke to his heart in reference to a very specific situation in his life and within a very specific context.
I believe the basic Truth he relates because it resonates with the Holy Spirit in my own heart and can be verified in my own study of Scripture, but sometimes Oswald wanders a little far from the solid concrete of basic Biblical truth, inferring and assuming things I’m not so sure of, making statements and relaying what I assume are bits of conversation between the Holy Spirit and his own heart.
I read those passages with caution, allowing Oswald to wander down paths paved just for him and waiting for him to return to the concrete through line of absolute Truth in his message, still admiring him, still trusting him, but taking into consideration the fact that he is just a man, no matter how godly. While he excels at communicating God’s truth on a heart level, his words are no substitute for the Bible itself, and it’s my responsibility to study God’s Word on my own so that the Holy Spirit can lead me down paths paved just for me.
If I don’t fully trust people to tell me what happened and paraphrase accurately the words of others, I sure don’t trust them to quote me directly to other people!
Once, when Hunter was in elementary school, I was supposed to send a check with him to school for a field trip. I forgot and realized my mistake when it was too late to turn around.
“Hunter,” I instructed in my serious Mommy voice, “tell Mrs. Gestland that I forgot my checkbook, but I will bring the money after school, okay?”
“Okay,” he said, distracted by the long car line behind us. “I gotta get out.”
“Hunter,” I repeated, looking him in the eye. “Did you hear me? I forgot my checkbook, but will bring the money after school.”
“Yes.” With that, he slid out of the car, formed and “I love you” with one hand, and shut the car door with the other.
After school that day, Mrs. Gestland met me in the hall just after the last bell. In a low voice that couldn’t be overheard by other parents, she said, “Angela, Hunter told me you didn’t have the money for the field trip. Don’t worry about it. I can cover Hunter this time. Consider it a gift. You do so much.” My face hot, I handed Mrs. Gestland a check for ten dollars, thanked her for her sweet offer, and explained the miscommunication.
What Hunter had said was true, I guess. I hadn’t had the money that morning, but what he told his teacher was only half of what I actually said, only half of what she needed to hear to get the whole picture, to understand the truth of the situation. By running my specific words through the filter of his own limited personal experience and passing along only what he thought was important instead of quoting me directly and letting my words speak for themselves, he had unintentionally and unknowingly created a misunderstanding between his teacher and me. I was able to fix it, but when people serve as go-betweens, that’s often not the case.
I almost bought a copy of Jesus Calling. It’s a very popular book, I understand. Considering the way people were raving, I thought it might be the modern equivalent of My Utmost for His Highest. Not so. As I leafed through the book at Mardel, something in my spirit caught and burned. The more I read, the more unsettled I became. You see, there’s a basic difference between My Utmost and Jesus Calling. Whereas Oswald Chambers explains and applies Scripture in third person, what readers understand to be his voice and from his limited, but informed perspective, Sarah Young goes a step further, not only explaining and applying the concrete basic Truth of Scripture, but assigning motive, method, and emotion to God beyond that which is expressly given in the particular passages she is discussing, using the personal pronouns “I” and “me” and “you” as if quoting God directly. In essence, this young woman puts words in God’s mouth, assuming not only the role of human go-between, but speaking for the Holy Spirit, whose job it is to help us communicate directly with God. This is very dangerous, as we know from Scripture that no one knows the mind of God (Romans 11:33-34).
I understand that the words in Sarah’s book are the words that she heard the Holy Spirit speak to her, and I would not dare question their validity as they relate to her personal situation. That’s between her and God. However, Sarah’s use of those particular personal pronouns encourages seekers to read and receive messages God may have meant just for her as God’s words to them also, whether that is her intention or not, perhaps lessening in the minds of readers—particularly in the minds of spiritually young and/or immature readers—the perceived need for further personal Bible study, or even for earnest prayer.
I don’t question Sarah’s motives. It’s clear that she wants only for the hurting and helpless to connect with God, the only One capable of providing what they need. I simply question her methods and pray that the popularity of her book isn’t a sign that we have become so complacent and lazy spiritually that we would rather swallow that which is pre-chewed and filtered to our satisfaction than do the challenging and sometimes painful, but always rewarding work of studying God’s Word on our own.
Is Jesus Calling? Absolutely! However, if you want His Truth, His whole Truth, and nothing but His Truth, there is no substitute whatsoever for sitting at the feet of Jesus yourself. Trust me. You need to be there!
by Angela Sanders | Aug 20, 2015
“WHO did WHAT?!”
Reeling, you wait, hoping the answer won’t be what you thought you heard the first time.
It is.
Your cheeks flush as the truth seeps in, unthinkable, venomous, working its way through your system, numbing your thoughts, choking your normal, and melting your heart right into your belly, where it begins to churn and nauseate.
What now? Well, if you are a parent, physical or spiritual, there is work to be done, and quickly. It’s up to you to present the information to your children–whoever they may be–as God would have you to before the Enemy gets hold of them.
Here’s what to tell them.
In the history of the world, only Jesus ever lived a perfect, sinless life (Hebrews 4:15). The rest of us, saved or not, make mistakes. We sin (Romans 3:23). Someday, the work God began in those of us who have accepted Him as Lord and Savior will be complete in Heaven (Philippians 1:6). Until then, even the best of us will struggle against the sin nature that comes with the skin and bones we wear. Even Paul, who wrote much of the New Testament, struggled against the tendency to sin (Romans 7:15-25). This being true, we shouldn’t be surprised when a mere human being fails to live up to our expectations, and we can’t let their failures shake our spiritual foundation or resolve to obey God in our own lives.
The Enemy may have won a battle, having been given permission to do so by someone who either let their spiritual guard down or never actually knew Jesus personally, but God is still very much in control and working all things, the good and the bad, together for the good of His children (Romans 8:28). With or without our individual cooperation, God promises to bring about the purpose of His will one way or another (Ephesians 1:11). God cannot and will not be defeated and is a permanent, eternal spiritual refuge for those who put their faith and trust in Him (Psalm 46:1), more than capable of working in, through, or around any decisions people make and/or actions people take. Even if the actions of others cost us our lives, our spirits are forever His, and our eternity is secure (Ephesians 1:14).
What probably feels like a spiritual setback may actually be a step forward. The Bible tells us to expose the deeds of darkness (Ephesians 4:11)—this is not an encouragement to gossip, but a charge to name sin to those with the ability to do something about it. Your knowing what has taken place is evidence of darkness having been exposed. No longer able to pretend, the person caught in sin must now face the consequences of that sin and deal with God honestly. If they respond appropriately to God’s loving discipline (Hebrews 12:7-9) and repent, they will be forgiven (1 John 1:9) and feel close to God again or be saved and transformed into something brand new. If not, God will continue to deal with them. Either way, they aren’t fooling themselves or anyone else anymore.
Christians watching the situation play out may begin to think more carefully about their own decisions, consider how their decisions affect others, and/or repent of sin in their own lives. All of these are good things. Furthermore, those affected or hurt by the individual at fault now have a unique opportunity to experience God as Comforter, Healer, Counselor, Friend, etc. They may find salvation in Jesus or gain experience that they can use to comfort others in the future (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).
Regardless, if those of us who belong to God run to and lean on Him rather than our own wisdom, we will prove Him faithful, lending credibility to the Gospel in the eyes of those who are considering surrendering their lives to Him and paving the way for them to find the peace that we have found in Jesus—beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:3).
Once you’ve bandaged wounds, pick your children up, set them back on their feet, and propel them in the right direction with the following instructions so they can make the most of this unique, although painful, opportunity to further the Kingdom.
Contrary to popular belief, love is not an emotion; affection is. Love is mercy and grace, the conscious choice to withhold deserved condemnation and extend undeserved favor to another person (John 3:16). Never is love more powerful than when there is no logical reason to demonstrate it. In such circumstances, it takes supernatural effort, which is why we must take advantage unique opportunities to illustrate God’s love by showing grace and mercy to the people who do wrong and/or hurt us.
People are watching, and our ability to love when there is no rational reason to do so proves the presence of something supernatural within us, empowering us, enabling us, and compelling us to do that which we cannot and would not do on our own. That something is His Holy Spirit. Our faithfulness to show love forces those who don’t know Jesus to consider the truth of the Gospel at work in our lives and could potentially lead to their salvation.
True children of God, those who have put their faith in Jesus Christ for salvation and surrendered their lives to Him, are never helpless. We have the ability to communicate with God directly through the Holy Spirit (Romans 8:26-27). What’s more, He has promised to give us anything that we ask for that matches up with His will (1 John 5:14-15)! He reveals His will to us as we pray (Philippians 2:13) and allows us to take part in bringing His will about. Our prayers are conduits for His unlimited power at work in this world and in the hearts of others. You can make a difference! Seek God. Listen. Pray what you hear, and wait expectantly for the results. They will come in His timing.
You cannot change the past, but you can affect the future, your own and that of those around you, protecting yourself and equipping others against a repeat of what has happened and/or future tragedies. As the Bible tells us, don’t be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is (Ephesians 5:17). Spend time not only reading your Bible, but meditating on it and memorizing it so that when you are tempted—we are ALL tempted, even Jesus (Matthew 4)—you will have your weapon ready (Psalm 119:11, Ephesians 6:17). Be proactive in teaching others to do the same.
Give others permission to correct you when you make poor choices or exhibit a bad attitude and be bold in checking up on your brothers and sisters in Christ. Step in and speak up when the Holy Spirit tells you to before it’s too late (Jude 1:23). Set your heart and mind and will on pleasing God and you won’t fall (1 John 3:6). You may stumble—when you do, confess it, accept God’s forgiveness (1 John 1:9), and move on, not letting it hang you up or get you down or giving the Enemy a foothold (Ephesians 4:27)—but you will not fall.
No matter how close to the situation you may be, no matter how much you might be affected personally, it’s imperative that you follow your own advice so those whom you’ve instructed can look to you as an example worth following, especially now that someone they once looked up to has let them down.
Doing so won’t take the hurt away, and you don’t have to pretend it does. In fact, emotional transparency will add weight to your words. What better opportunity to illustrate true discipleship and demonstrate the importance of obedience to God in all situations than when you are hurting as a direct result of another’s frailty and disobedience?
Be faithful. Be real. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, friend, and what the Enemy intended for evil, the Father will use for good (Genesis 50:20).
by Angela Sanders | Aug 11, 2015
Someone once told me that parents shouldn’t apologize for anything they do with the right motives. While I understand what this person was trying to say, I disagree. The Bible says to apologize when we do the wrong thing or hurt people, and it’s all too easy to do both in spite of good intentions, especially when doing something as difficult as raising a child.
I, for one, have much to apologize for, even though I know that I did the very best I knew how at each stage of my children’s lives.
Do you know what it means to “vault the horse”? My son taught me the term last semester after hearing it from one of his college professors. To “vault the horse” is to try so hard to hit a mark that you overshoot it and land somewhere else completely.
That’s me.
I want to be a good mom, a good steward of the young lives God has entrusted to my care. I really do, but more often than not, rather than let God have His way in and through me, I parent in knee-jerk response to my own hurts and hang-ups and go too far. I overdo.
Trying to teach discernment, I kindle critical spirits.
Trying to instill wisdom, I plant fear.
Trying to demonstrate grace, I breed entitlement.
Trying to instill confidence, I foster pride.
Trying to teach obedience, I model legalism.
Trying to model mercy, I end up spoiling my kids.
Trying to correct and admonish, I crush spirits.
And the list goes on and on. Maybe you have one like it.
How does this happen? Why do people with God-honoring intentions miss the mark so often?
I think the problem lies in the choosing of the mark itself. What are we are aiming for, exactly? A godly child? A good child? A child we can show off and be proud of? A child that won’t embarrass us? If any of these, we’ve chosen poorly and may be guilty of a common form of idol worship, as our words and actions serve a man-made image or ideal.
No, for Christians, the mark, the goal, in parenting, as in any other endeavor, must be obedience, complete submission to the Father in all things, the mundane and the momentous, for our good and His ultimate glory, doing and saying everything and only that which He tells us to do and say because He is God and knows best. It’s incredibly hard sometimes to resist the urge to act or react according to our own wisdom—sit-on-your-hands, bite-your-tongue-‘til-it-bleeds hard!—but, when we do so, we release ourselves from responsibility for the results and spare ourselves regret.
Everybody wins!
Seeking Him, serving Him, obeying Him in all things, that’s the only way to hit the spiritual mark, so to speak, and the only way to sit this parenting horse.