by Angela Sanders | Apr 25, 2017
Tip #3: Give your relationship time to develop. Friendship, affection, attraction, relational rhythm: these things take time to grow and fully develop. Overanalyzing a dating relationship before it has a chance to take root will almost always kill in the bud what might have bloomed into a healthy, God-honoring and mutually beneficial relationship.
Notice I said “overanalyzing.” At no point in any relationship is it okay to turn off your brain or mute the Holy Spirit. It takes spiritual discernment, after all, to determine whether a man truly loves Jesus and whether he is on the same spiritual trajectory as you.
No, the key to giving a relationship time to develop is not in muting the Holy Spirit, but giving Him space to work and, in a sense, staying out of your own business.
How?
Don’t look for problems. Red flags are called that because they are fairly easy to spot. Until one pops up or the Father gives you specific instructions concerning the future, focus on getting to know the person you’re dating and letting them get to know you within the boundaries of propriety laid out for you in God’s Word.
Don’t jump ahead. Don’t fantasize about your wedding, practice writing his last name after your first, or pick names for your kids until it’s time. Borrowing against the future to fuel the present creates a false sense of reality, sets you up for heartache, and robs your potential spouse of the opportunity to walk through those initial daydreams with you. Consider a potential future as a couple, but don’t plan for it. Until you are actually engaged, think, dream and plan as an individual.
Don’t imagine what’s not there. If a man wants to communicate something, he’ll get it said sooner or later, one way or another. You don’t have to wear yourself out looking for hidden meanings behind what he does or doesn’t say, what he does or doesn’t do, the facial expressions he makes, or the tone of his voice. Doing so only creates problems instead of alleviating them.
Don’t discuss your relationship in real time. Take plenty of time to process privately before you share what’s on your heart and mind with him. If it doesn’t change, still seems relevant and important after time has passed, and you feel it must be said, then say it. Running commentary and constant analysis will only make the man you’re dating self-conscious, keep him from being himself and prevent your getting to know the real him.
Don’t discuss things with your friends before you talk to him. This falls under the Golden Rule category. You don’t like to be discussed. Neither does he. If you need the sage advice of a godly counselor, seek and/or accept it, but don’t dish on the man you’re dating or give casual observers permission to speak into a relationship they’ve not prayed through or thought much about. If you do, you might put a stumbling block in your own path.
Remember, ladies, dating is supposed to be informative and fun. Go in with your eyes open, yes, but, for goodness sake, enjoy the journey! If you don’t think you can, don’t go on it, for your sake and for his.
Read Tip #1: Men Who Love Jesus
Read Tip #2: Realistic and Fair Expectations
Read Tip #4: Honoring your future spouse (and his)
by Angela Sanders | Apr 4, 2017
Tip #2: Be realistic and fair in your expectations. As a princess, a daughter of the King of Kings, you deserve a grounded, dependable, strong husband who truly loves Jesus (see A Dating Guide for Godly Girls #1) and will make the meeting of your needs a priority, someone who will lead you gently, forgive you readily, and wash you with the Word of God as you become the woman God wants you to be, a Kingdom force to be reckoned with, unhindered by concern over a marriage that is less than God intended for you.
You’ve heard it all before, right?
Yeah, in Christian circles, we do a pretty good job of making sure women know this stuff, but I’m not sure we do an equally good job of telling them what their future husbands should expect in return.
As a prince, a son of the King of Kings, your future husband—if God plans for you to have one—deserves a grounded, dependable, strong woman who truly loves Jesus and will make the meeting of his needs a priority, someone who will submit to him as he submits to her (Eph. 5:21), forgive him readily, and speak the truth of God into his life at every turn so he doesn’t forget who he was created to be, a Kingdom force to be reckoned with, unhindered by concern over a marriage that is less than God intended for him.
It’s a tall order, isn’t it? A lot to expect from anyone this side of Heaven, the only place where perfection actually exists, but especially from someone who hasn’t lived a lot of life yet.
Achieved only through the intentional application of Scripture with the help of the Holy Spirit in response to circumstances that can’t possibly be conjured or rushed, spiritual maturity takes time. No one gets there overnight, ladies, which is why you must cut the guys a little slack, at least as much as you yourself require.
Look for progress, not perfection. Few men are the spiritual leaders they are meant to be when they first get married. I know mine wasn’t, but he sure is now.
Want to determine whether or not you should allow a relationship with the man you’ve noticed to develop? Pay close attention to what he says, what he does and his attitude when saying and doing those things, not just when he knows he’s being evaluated, but in moments when his words and actions don’t have anything to do with you or your relationship.
Do his words reflect a commitment to the truth of God’s Word? Such men are grounded.
Do his actions reflect a desire to be used by God? Such men are dependable.
Is he humble, open to correction by those qualified to give it, quick to apologize and eager to learn from his mistakes and grow? Such men are strong.
Is he more worried about preserving self or advancing the Kingdom? Those more concerned with the Kingdom understand sacrifice and commitment.
Plot your answers.
Draw an arrow through them.
Chart the trajectory your guy is on and see if it matches up with yours. If you love Jesus and it does, then you’ve found a relationship with potential. If he loves Jesus and it doesn’t, then you’re the one with work to do.
Read Tip #3 : Giving it Time
by Angela Sanders | Mar 22, 2017
I’m no dating expert. In fact, I feel certain that my own happy marriage is more the gracious answer of a generous God to the fervent—maybe frantic—prayers of family and friends than the result of any significant wisdom displayed on my part during the whole dating process, one that was, for me, a long and arduous journey fraught with confusion and heartache.
Then I met Todd.
I liked him.
He was funny. He was handsome. He was tall. And he wore the smile my heart needed, the one I’d always known deep down that my husband would have, genuine, involuntary, almost constant. We met at the OSU BSU and were friends for a long time before we ever dated. The more time I spent with him, the more I learned about him. The more I learned about him, the more I admired and trusted him, and somewhere along the way, without hesitation, trepidation, or exhaustive analysis, I gave him my heart, sure he would keep it safe.
Tired of having to go our separate ways at night, Todd and I eventually married, and I’ve never doubted or regretted that decision for even a fraction of a second. Only after our vows were exchanged did I discover the true value of the treasure God had laid in my lap. My husband’s not perfect, but he’s true and puts just as much effort into loving me as I put into loving him. What’s more, he’d choose Jesus over me in a second; that’s how I know we will last.
No, I’m not a dating expert, but I did learn a lot through trial and error. I have watched a lot of other happily married people handle the dating process with more intentionality, and although I didn’t take stock of my own full pantry until after vows had been exchanged, I do know what a thriving marriage requires and have put in the necessary work for almost 25 years now.
I know marriage isn’t for everyone, but drawing on my meager credentials, I’d like to offer girls and ladies who are open to the prospect a few dating tips from the flipside. May God lodge what He likes in your mind and mop the rest from your memory.
Tip #1: Pay attention to men who love Jesus. Notice I didn’t say, “Look for a man who loves Jesus,” the main objective being the finding of a man. That’s because your main objective in all things, dating and marriage included, must be Jesus. Always. Don’t search. Don’t hunt. Simply live your life in hot pursuit of the Savior and give special consideration to men who are doing the same whether or not you would have noticed them otherwise.
Why is it so important to marry a man who loves Jesus? Well, it’s a yoke issue (2 Cor 6:14). You see, to love Jesus is to obey Him (John 14:21). As you and your future husband will be making decisions together that will dramatically affect your availability for Kingdom work FOREVER, you simply must be on the same page as a couple to remain open and obedient to God’s leading as individuals.
Marry someone who doesn’t love Jesus like you do and you’ll likely spend the rest of your life feeling stifled, frustrated and regretful. That’s not to say that God can’t work in and through whatever situation you’ve put yourself in. He can, but no amount of hand-holding, wistful gazing and sweet nothings could ever make up for the disappointment of knowing you forfeited, for whatever reason that seemed important at the time, God’s plan A, the opportunity to live your life for God’s glory alone, something a husband who doesn’t love Jesus can’t possibly understand, much less facilitate, but a husband who truly loves Jesus frees, encourages, and even enables his wife to do.
How do you know if a man loves Jesus?
First, he spends time with Him, with or without you, but at least without you.
Second, he reads His Bible, not just for knowledge acquisition, but to discover God’s will for His life.
Third, he prays, not to say he did or to impress you, but to discern God’s will and participate in His plan.
Fourth, and most importantly, as it is the only observable proof in this list, he patterns His life after the truth of God’s Word, loving Jesus by serving others and demonstrating a consistent willingness to be molded, changed and corrected by the Holy Spirit.
Don’t be fooled by touching displays of emotion or big, impressive spiritual talk. Those things are easy to fake. Wait for follow-through. Look for supernatural growth and change over time.
Listen, affection is good. We all like it—some of us way more than others—but it’s reflexive. It costs little. As unsustainable as any other human emotion, attitude or response, it waxes and wanes to the pull of life’s rhythm, no matter how worthy its object may be. Plainly put, it comes and goes, and if that’s all a man is able to offer Jesus, it’s likely that’s all he’ll ever be able to offer you, too.
What you want and need is love, true love after Jesus’ example, and that takes effort. A commitment deeper than emotion, true love transcends circumstance and deserving. Selfless, it plays out in service and sacrifice and endures throughout all of life’s seasons. A proactive choice, it is constant.
So pay very close attention to men who love Jesus, ladies. Give them a second, third or even a fourth look. They’re equipped to love you, too!
Read Tip #2 : Realistic and Fair Expectations
by Angela Sanders | Feb 21, 2017
To spoil a child is to, quite literally, ruin them. For what? For themselves, for their future families, for society and, ultimately, for Kingdom work.
It’s not cute, understandable or funny.
It’s abuse, as it handicaps those who have been spoiled, making it more difficult for them to hear God’s call on their life, answer that call, follow through in obedience and so experience the very fellowship with God for which they were designed.
It’s idol worship, as it offers up souls whom God created for His glory on someone else’s altar—whether that altar be to the parents or to the children themselves—making those souls vulnerable to an Enemy who wants only to steal, kill, and destroy them (John 10:10).
Doubt it? Consider.
- If children aren’t given rules, how will they grasp the concept of God’s law?
- If children aren’t corrected when they break those rules, how will they ever grasp the concept of sin or recognize their own sin condition?
- If children are never punished, how will they recognize and appreciate mercy?
- If children are given more than they can appreciate, how will they recognize and appreciate grace?
- If children are never made to apologize, how will they understand their need for forgiveness?
- If children are never made to own up to their mistakes, how will they understand the need for confession?
- If children aren’t expected to learn from their mistakes and do better next time, how will they understand the need for sincere repentance?
- If children are allowed to believe that the world revolves around them, how will they recognize God’s ultimate authority?
- If children are allowed to disrespect adults, how will they learn to submit to the authority God has placed over them?
- If children aren’t ever expected to wait, how will they develop patience?
- If children aren’t expected to ask nicely, how will they learn to pray effective prayers?
- If children are allowed to call the shots, how will they understand the importance of obedience?
- If children are allowed to infringe upon the rights of others for their own comfort and convenience, how will they learn compassion?
- If children are allowed to destroy and waste, how will they understand stewardship?
- If children are allowed to be lazy, how will they understand responsibility to others?
- If children are led to believe that the world exists for their pleasure, how will they understand calling?
- If children are always served, how will they understand the importance of serving others?
- If children are allowed to quit when they feel like it, how will they persevere?
The list goes on and on…
All things considered, it seems impossible that a spoiled child could ever become what God intended him/her to be. Of course, all things are possible with God (Matt 19:26), but why would a parent put obstacles in their child’s way, especially when the penalty for causing someone to stumble spiritually is so steep (Luke 17:2)?
I don’t think they mean to.
I think they look around and, not finding censure or a better example, assume that what they are doing is acceptable. Relieved, they laugh it off like it’s no big deal, and we laugh with them, not wanting to overstep our bounds or make them feel uncomfortable.
There’s something to be said for that, of course, but there’s also something to be said for straight-talk, especially from those of us who’ve been there, done that, and perhaps learned a thing or two. It really makes no difference whether we learned our lessons the easy way or the hard way. If we don’t pass along what we know, we’re to blame for any shadow our silence casts.
So, here it is.
Parents, your ability and willingness to spoil your children is not a testimony to your character, somehow proving your long-suffering nature, patience, and generosity; it’s rather an indictment on your character, calling into question your discernment, work ethic, commitment to biblical stewardship, and the purity of your motives.
Understand, while it may be socially acceptable, even in some Christian circles, to spoil your children, it’s certainly NOT okay.
by Angela Sanders | Feb 9, 2017
Church bashing seems to be a favorite pastime these days, both for those outside the Church and those inside. Why? I’m not sure. My best guess is that those outside do so hoping the Church will hear them and change for the better, and those inside do so to let outsiders know they’re heard, so they’ll give the Church another chance and/or stay open to the Gospel message. I sure hope I’m right!
Both are positive goals, but the ends do not justify the means. In fact, they are counterproductive.
Jesus loves the Church. He died for Her. If you are a member of the Church, He expects you to love Her like He does (John 13:34-35). If you’re not a member of the Church, He still expects you to treat Her with respect (Matt 10:11-14).
Not feeling it? It doesn’t really matter. In matters of obedience, God’s will trumps personal perference every time.
For those of you who may be struggling to act your way into feeling right now, here are a few tips to help you on your way:
Consider Her a collective whole. According to Scripture, “we who are many are one body in Christ and individually members of one another” (Rom 12:4-5). That Christian you don’t particularly like? Assuming he/she is actually a follower of Christ and hasn’t just hijacked the name like so many do these days, he/she is just as much a part of the Church as that Christian you naturally love. They are not mutually exclusive.
To hate the Church is to hate them both. To love the Church is to love them both. To discuss/address the Church is to discuss/address them both, so choose your words carefully, both those you speak to others and those you speak to yourself. Don’t use the word Church unless you mean every single member, or you might unintentionally wound someone you love, incriminate an innocent, and/or talk yourself or someone else into believing something that’s just not true. Be as selective and specific as possible.
Don’t confuse Her with Jesus. Jesus alone is perfect (Heb 4:15). The rest of us are working on it with the Holy Spirit’s help (2 Cor 3:18), but we aren’t there yet. We don’t claim to be the Way of salvation, only to know the Way. If you hold us up against Jesus and expect from us what you yourself cannot deliver, you’ll be disappointed every time. We are His ambassadors, after all, not His substitutes (2 Cor 5:20).
Expect Her to make mistakes. “The (Church) body is one and has many parts” (1 Cor 12:12). As none of those parts will be made perfect until they are reunited with Christ (Phil 1:6), they’re going to act up from time to time—to different degrees and with different motives, granted—but members of the Church are never unanimously guilty of the sin you discern in the few, or even the many. If they were, God would likely go ahead and snatch the Church home rather than have His name disgraced.
Remember, even as some members are failing and offending, others are doing their dead level best to love and serve with the Holy Spirit’s help. Let that encourage you. Of course, Christians shouldn’t act up, and they know better, but that’s how it goes when you’re wrestling with that sin nature we all share (Rom 7:24-25).
Understand, regeneration of those who put their faith in Jesus Christ for salvation may be instantaneous (2 Cor 5:17), but transformation into the image of Jesus Christ takes a lifetime. Rather than being disillusioned by the inevitable, choose instead to be encouraged by the grace and mercy God has shown toward helpless sinners like us. We are proof there’s hope for everyone.
Rebuke Her properly. Don’t drag the Bride of Christ into the public square and stone Her. If you have a problem with something that one, several, or many of her members have done, go to whatever lengths necessary to handle the conflict discreetly and in person as the Bible requires (Matt 18:15-20).
When private rebuke is not possible, take time to calm yourself so your anger doesn’t lead you to sin (Eph 4:26), consider whether or not you’re the right person to address the issue (Matt 7:3-5), and choose your words carefully, being as specific as possible and seasoning your words with salt (Col 4:6) to preserve life through the power of the Holy Spirit.
After all, should your words bring sorrow or remorse, you want it to be the kind that leads to repentance, not the kind that leads to discouragement and death (2 Cor 7:10). The consequences, should you cause anyone inside or outside the Church to stumble, are not worth any temporary satisfaction delivering a public ‘zinger,’ growing a fan base, or earning likes/shares might bring you (Luke 17:1-2).
Forgive Her. Emotions aside, release the Church of any debt you feel She owes you so you can move ahead in your own relationship with God (Matt 6:15). It’s really not as hard as we make it sometimes. Simply extend to Her the same grace and mercy God has extended to you out of gratitude and love for Him, treating Her better than She deserves and showing restraint in your response to Her. Your emotions will follow.
Serve Her. “Where your treasure lies, there your heart will be also” (Matt 6:21). Want to like/love the Church? Invest in her and see if you don’t start taking a personal interest in Her health and well-being. Besides, if you’re the one who knows what’s what and you walk away, where does that leave the rest of us? At that point, you have no right to complain.
Pray for Her. Pray that She will live up to God’s expectations, not yours, and you’ll get results (1 John 5:14-15), assuming, of course, that you are living up to God’s expectations as well (Jas 5:16). Over time, your faith-filled prayers will align your will with God’s and you’ll become a co-laborer with the Church instead of Her enemy, able to discern the necessary changes your prayers have helped bring about.
Bottom line? Whether you are a member of the Church or not, you must tread lightly. Bashing Her is serious business. She is the Bride of Christ, after all, and Her Bridegroom isn’t someone you want to mess with.