by Angela Sanders | Jul 25, 2017
“But we can’t afford it!”
“Viola, if we’re going to follow Jesus, we need to follow Him all the way, and that means giving a tenth of what we make back to God.”
“But how are we going to keep ice in the ice box?”
“The Lord will provide. You’ll see. We just have to be faithful.”
Six-year-old Nadine, the oldest of her siblings, hid in the hallway doing her best not to be heard by her parents. She knew she shouldn’t be listening, but couldn’t help it. Something had changed in her little family, and she needed to understand.
The year was 1930. Nadine’s daddy, the center of her little universe, had been to a revival meeting and decided to follow Jesus Christ. After his example and in response to his unbridled enthusiasm and joy, Nadine’s mother had done the same. Now the two were working out the particulars of this new life they’d chosen.
Unsure what to think about it all at first, Nadine had been watching and listening. Her daddy, Bonnie Bill Collins, had always been a gentle and energetic man, but now he seemed lit up from the inside. Determined that his little family would know and believe the simple message of grace that had melted his heart and made it better, he’d been devouring his Bible and passing the contents along.
Always a parent-pleaser, Nadine wanted to believe, but needed proof that Jesus was real before she put her hope in Him. Hiding in the hallway, eavesdropping on her parents, she hatched a plan. Nadine would put this Jesus to the test, and if He passed, she would give Him her heart.
For the next many months, Nadine watched. From her daddy’s lap, she watched him give, and from her bedroom window, she watched the iceman come.
He never missed. Not once.
Quietly convinced, Nadine gave her little heart to Jesus.
After her example, Nadine’s children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren would one day do the same, and Jesus would light them all up from the inside.
This, the story of my maternal grandmother, is both an inspiring and cautionary tale.
On one hand, the choices you make impact others. On the other hand, the choices you make impact others.
And you never know who’s watching.
by Angela Sanders | Jul 12, 2017
Tip #7: Say goodbye with grace. There comes a time in every dating relationship when each person must determine whether or not the person they’re dating is one God would have them share the rest of their life with. Because so many factors specific to the individuals involved play into the timing of this moment, couples rarely come to it simultaneously, which is why most dating relationships end with a break up instead of a mutual parting.
Having been on both sides of the break-up experience multiple times, and I can tell you this: No matter how logical the reasons for a breakup look on paper or sound when spoken, no matter how firmly one or both of you believe that walking away is what God truly wants for you, no matter how relieved you may feel once the deed is done and you’re freed to the next dating opportunity, breakups equal pain.
The key to minimizing, processing and handling this pain, whether you find yourself on the giving or receiving end of the dreaded breakup speech, is grace.
No matter what you may be feeling in the moment and no matter how the man you’ve been dating handles his end of things, show him grace. Consider his needs, put them ahead of your own, and treat him even better than either of you think he deserves to be treated so God will be glorified in you.
How? Here are three tips:
Be courageous.
If you know that the romantic relationship you’re in is unhealthy or going nowhere, end it. Do it carefully, respectfully and humbly, but end it. It’s cruel to give a man reason to hope once you know a future with him is not possible, what you want, and/or what you believe God wants for you, and it’s selfish to postpone the inevitable just because you know the conversation won’t be easy, because you’ve come to depend on whatever it is they’ve been providing, or you don’t want to step into the unknown alone. The longer you wait, the harder it will be for both of you.
If you are the one on the receiving end of the breakup speech, remember that what may come as a surprise to you is not a surprise to God. He’s way ahead of you, providing for your needs even before you ask Him, so don’t be afraid. Let go of what could have been and tighten your grip, instead, on the One Who will never let you go. Resist the pull of anger and the weight of bitterness and trust that God will replace what was good with His best. Walk in confidence. You are dearly loved!
Tell the truth.
If/when you end a romantic relationship, give honest, concrete, complete reasons for your decision. Choose life-giving words and resist the urge to blame, but don’t speak in generalities or skirt issues to speed up the process. Doing so will only leave him with unanswered questions and give the Enemy room to play with his heart and mind. Instead, take adequate time to prepare what you will say ahead of time, say it, and then answer his questions to the best of your ability. Apologize for anything you may have done, knowingly or unknowingly, that has caused him pain and ask for his forgiveness. Don’t argue, and don’t chase rabbits.
If you are the one on the receiving end, be honest about your feelings. If you feel you’ve been wronged in some way, speak up so he can apologize for things he may not even realize he’s done and you can offer your forgiveness. Maintaining self-control made possible by the Holy Spirit within you, ask any questions you need to have answered, giving him time to respond without interrupting so the conversation can stay on track and accomplish something. Without malice, say the things you need him to hear so you don’t have to replay the scene in your head and it can truly be over when it’s over.
Empathize.
If/when you end a romantic relationship, do the mental work required not only to understand how he might be feeling, but to feel it yourself so you can serve him well to the end, doing everything in your power to help your brother in Christ move past the pain of the present. Treat him how you would want to be treated, and when it’s all over, let it be over, giving him as much space as he needs in the days, weeks, months ahead. Don’t gossip, but keep the conversation between the two of you and protect him from the speculation of others by interacting with him as normally as possible in public.
If you are the one on the receiving end, put yourself in his place. Whatever his reasons for wanting his freedom, he feels he needs it, so let him go. Don’t cling, punish, or damage his reputation by sharing what should be kept private with others, and do your best to interact with him normally in public.
Listen, breakups are tough, but you and/or the man you’ve been dating don’t have to join the ranks of the skeptical, suspicious walking wounded just because you’ve experienced one. Love to the end and beyond so you both can run ahead whole once your goodbyes have been said.
by Angela Sanders | Jun 27, 2017
Tip #6: Know when to walk away. While there’s much to be said for giving things time to develop in a dating relationship, things such as friendship, affection, attraction and relational rhythm. There’s also much to be said for knowing when to walk away.
Remember, the goal of a dating relationship is not to come out on the other side with a husband, although that can happen. The goal is to glorify God throughout the process, and one of the best ways to do that is to submit to His will when it becomes obvious the dating relationship you’re in is not going to lead to a marriage He would choose for you, one in which you are equally yoked with someone who truly loves Jesus and is just as committed to and enthusiastic about a future with you as you are with them.
Where forever is concerned, two out of three won’t cut it, which is why you and the person you’re dating must be honest with one another, admit when the relationship you’re in is only a friendship and nothing more, and mutually agree to walk away from the pursuit of a future together if/when the time comes to do so. When mutual agreement isn’t possible, you still have to do what’s right for you.
How do you know when it’s time to walk away? Here are a few indicators:
1. He disrespects or mistreats you. If the person you’re dating disrespects or mistreats you, even if your idea of disrespect/mistreatment differs from his, it’s time to break up with him. Be swift about it. He may apologize, promise to do better and even do better for a while, but this type of behavior typically worsens over time.
While we’re on the topic of apology, let me clarify something for those of you who are having trouble breaking free from a relationship in which you are being disrespected or mistreated. Your choice to break up with a man does not equal refusal to forgive him. Don’t believe any man who tells you that breaking up with him is somehow un-Christian because you’re supposed to forgive and forget. This is manipulation. You can forgive a man’s behavior and still allow his behavior to inform the decisions you make. Do so, always.
2. You are not attracted to him. Men who love Jesus are attractive to women who also love Jesus, at least on some level. Kinship in Christ often leads to fondness that can lead to physical attraction, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes, sparks don’t catch or form at all, and that’s okay. The absence of mutual chemistry in a relationship is not a statement against the aesthetic quality of either person, but a mercifully simple way to discern that two people aren’t suited for marriage—friendship, yes, but not marriage.
3. Investing in the relationship feels more like a chore than a privilege. Romantic relationships take work, but they shouldn’t feel like work. Oh, sure, you could take a deep breath, gut it up, and make something happen—we women excel at that, and the fact that we can do anything through Christ who gives us strength brings hope to those who are struggling in their marriage (Phil. 4:13)—but, at this stage of the game, you really shouldn’t. Leave that business up to those who have taken vows and are obliged to remain in their marriage, if not for themselves, then to paint an accurate picture of the permanent relationship between Christ and the Church.
For lack of a more glamorous analogy, dating should feel something like guiding a self-propelled lawn mower. Creating something desirable might require time, attention and focus, and progression might require a little extra effort on the incline, but the relationship itself should move along largely of its own accord, fueled by the mutual enthusiasm, satisfaction and curiosity of both parties. If you don’t feel pulled along by the relationship you’re investing in, it may be headed nowhere.
4. The two of you are not on the same spiritual trajectory. Marriage is like a three-legged race. To get where you need to go happy and whole, you’ve got to move at the same pace and be headed in the same direction, so before you tie yourself to someone else, make sure they can keep up with you spiritually. That’s not to say they have to know as much as you do. Not at all. Some people have had fewer opportunities to learn, experience and grow than others. They shouldn’t be faulted for lacking what they’ve never been provided.
No, the man you’re dating need only to share your spiritual focus, passion for the things of God and desire to grow spiritually. If he feels like dead weight where spiritual things are concerned, you find yourself giving constant spiritual pep talks, or you feel as if you have to muster up enough enthusiasm for the both of you where God, the Bible and/or church are involved, he’s probably not meant to be your life-long running buddy.
Granted, walking away is never easy, but understand this: Letting go of a dating relationship you’re not meant to be in is not failure, a defeat or an embarrassment. On the contrary, it’s a step in the right direction. Walking away takes courage sometimes, but don’t ever stay in a dating relationship just because staying seems easier or to spare feelings.
If walking away is God’s will for you, it’s also God’s will for the man you’ve been dating, and “until death do you part” is a very long time.
by Angela Sanders | Jun 8, 2017
Tip #5: Don’t paint yourself the heroine. In God, we live and move and have our being (Acts 17:28). Without Him there is no story at all, so it’s only right that He should get top billing in every relationship in our lives, first and last consideration in every decision we make within and regarding those relationships, and receive all glory, or credit, for anything that goes well between us and other people.
Of course, this thinking runs contrary to the message the entertainment world sends. Romantic comedies and dramas, novels, songs, TV shows, blogs, etc. they tell us ladies we’re the stars of our own movies, the heroines of our own stories, the princesses of our own kingdoms. They tell us we deserve to be spoiled, pampered, and served.
Oh, I guess it’s true to some extent. Some women—precious few—are actually princesses by birth, and if you have accepted God’s forgiveness for sin made possible through Jesus Christ and so been adopted into God’s family, you are a daughter of the King of Kings, a princess by faith.
Even so, life isn’t fiction. In real life, we’re all just supporting characters in God’s story, and even if you are His child, the Kingdom you’re living in by His grace alone is not yours. It’s His. While you deserve to be treated fairly, you don’t deserve to be spoiled, pampered, or served.
No one does.
Truth? You should only look to receive from any relationship as much as you give to it, and the only One worthy of worship is God.
Now, don’t misunderstand me. Being female is cool in a lot of ways, but it’s no more special than being male and no more qualifies women for exaltation than being male qualifies men for the same.
Men and women were both created in God’s image, equals charged with glorifying God, or holding Him up for the admiration of others, through mutual edification and cooperation by the power of the Holy Spirit. Any upset in that relational balance poses a threat to the success of our shared mission by toppling God off His rightful throne in our lives and replacing Him with someone far less deserving.
That said, by biblical standards, there are some things you do deserve and should expect from someone you’re thinking about spending your life with.
Here are just a few:
- You deserve to be treated with respect if for no other reason than the fact you were created by God in His image. You are a walking, breathing reflection of His glory.
- You deserve the right to choose if for no other reason than the fact God Himself bestowed you with free will. Of course, we are all subject to the authority God places over us, but boyfriends are not authority figures!
Let me say that again.
Boyfriends are not authority figures! If/when you marry the man you’re dating, he will assume the role of husband to you, a role that comes with a certain level of increased responsibility to God for your little family and deserves your cooperation and deference as he submits to the Lord, but until he becomes your husband, your boyfriend doesn’t get to call any shots. A boyfriend who insists on having the final say in decisions that are yours alone to make is overstepping and out of line.
While we’re on the subject, let me add that no one has the right to make choices that compromise your person, jeopardize your safety, or damage your mental, physical, spiritual, or emotional health and well-being. No one.
- You should expect to be loved, not necessarily romantically—that may or may not develop—but as a friend. At the very least, the man you’re dating should extend grace, mercy, and forgiveness to you—and everyone else—as needed and without hesitation, just as God extends those things to all of us through Jesus. If he truly loves Jesus, he will.
- You should expect to be encouraged in your pursuit of God. Intimacy with God requires time, effort, and unconditional obedience on your part, no matter whom it costs. The man you’re dating should willingly take a back seat to the One Whom you are both called to glorify. If he’s on the same spiritual trajectory as you, he’ll comply without argument.
If/when you discover the man you’re dating isn’t willing or is unable to give you these things, you should end the relationship. You can rest assured he is not the man God has for you. By the same token, if you aren’t willing or are unable to return these things to the man you’re dating, he should end the relationship. You are not the woman God has for him.
As far as the extras go, romantic gestures and tokens of affection, they’re nice, and if you feel you need them as per your love language, whatever that happens to be, it’s completely okay to express your desires within reason to the person you’re dating in a tactful way. It’s also okay to let their ability, willingness, and/or reluctance to satisfy those expressed desires figure into your decision making process where the future of your relationship is concerned.
However, understand that these extras aren’t yours by right. By biblical standards, you don’t deserve them, you shouldn’t expect them, and a man’s choice not to provide them is not an indication of poor character, but rather an indication that the two of you may not be well suited for marriage.
And that’s fine!
The goal of a dating relationship is not to see what hoops you can get your boyfriend to jump through, to satisfy your desire to feel needed or special, to create post-worthy experiences, or even to come out on the other side with a husband. As in everything else, it’s to glorify God, in this instance, by honoring Him in the way you interact with and serve one of His sons, who may or may not become your husband, and by submitting to His will as you explore and consider that possibility.
Remember, there may be two protagonists in your love story, but there’s only room for one hero. That’s God! Laying your own wants and goals aside, do whatever it takes to make sure He gets His happy ending.
Read Tip #1: Men Who Love Jesus
Read Tip #2: Realistic and Fair Expectations
Read Tip #3: Giving it Time
Read Tip #4: Honoring your future spouse (and his)
by Angela Sanders | May 23, 2017
Tip #4: Honor your future spouse (and his). You and the man you’re dating might turn out to be those people for each other, but you might not, so until you exchange vows, proceed with prayerful caution, seeking to please God first, foremost and always, as your relationship with Him is the only one that’s eternal.
Early in my marriage, a friend of mine told me that she wished she could meet her husband’s high school girlfriend, so she could thank her for the way she handled their dating relationship and for preserving her husband for their marriage.
Wow. I was touched and wished with all my heart I’d heard someone say something like that before I ever started dating.
In the ‘80’s, dating advice and purity talks consisted mostly of varying answers to the question “How far is too far?”
Purity was mentioned, of course, but we didn’t talk about it holistically. It was mostly relegated to the physical/sexual and was more about whether or not you could technically call yourself a virgin and wear your purity ring without lying than about loving God with your heart, soul, mind and strength and preserving all aspects of yourself so you could enjoy unhindered intimacy with Him and/or with the spouse He would someday give you.
Although my heart belonged to God, and I knew that I loved Him, I didn’t really know how to love Him. I wasn’t a living sacrifice. I pretty much saw myself as someone who belonged to me and viewed others as people I could spend myself on as I saw fit as long as it didn’t cross any established physical boundaries, not for God’s glory, but for my own benefit. I didn’t consider the future, but lived in the present.
I wish I had a time machine.
If I did, I’d do my best to explain to the girl I was back then how much she would love her future husband—she’d never believe it, having no frame of reference, but I’d try—and how much joy she’d find in lavishing herself on him within the boundaries of biblical marriage, where she could give and receive emotionally and physically without guilt or second-guesses.
I’d explain that maintaining her purity wasn’t about figuring out how far was too far, but leaving generous margin, reflecting God’s holiness and holding sacred that which was intended for Him and the husband with whom she would someday illustrate His Gospel through mutual commitment, submission, service and passion.
I’d tell her to save ALL her ‘firsts’ for her husband, not just her virginity, something she already knew to guard, but certain other expressions of affection, tender words and unique romantic experiences as well, so she could share the fresh wonder of them with the one she’d love best and forever only.
I’d tell her that her parents were wise not to allow boyfriends at family gatherings or holiday celebrations and that she’d thank them for the absence of other guys in family photos once she’d pledged her heart.
I’d tell her that marriage requires preparation, not practice, and to save her energy and enthusiasm for the real deal.
I’d spare her regret.
But I can’t go back. All I can do is offer those who are in the thick of it now the benefit of my flip-side perspective.
Listen, I’m a hopeless romantic. I get it. When dating someone, we all like to think the person we’re investing time and energy in could be the proverbial “one,” especially if they truly love Jesus and are on the same spiritual trajectory we are—if that’s not the case, you shouldn’t be in the dating relationship to begin with, wasting your time and theirs—but almost all the time, that’s just not true.
If all goes according to God’s plan, only one dating relationship in your lifetime will culminate in marriage, relegating every other dating relationship you have to experiment status and you and the men you date to classmate status as you grow and learn what it means to take part in a God-honoring relationship.
What’s more, at every stage of every dating relationship, you and the man you’re dating have other people besides the two of you to consider, your future husband and his future wife. Even when you feel certain the man you’re dating would approve of the decision you want to make and may even be urging you to say yes, ask yourself how that yes would affect both of your future spouses and the health of both of your future marriages.
Yes, the man you’re dating may indeed turn out to be “the one,” but until he is, he isn’t, no matter how much hope you’re holding out for a potential future with him. Until he actually becomes your husband—even when the wedding is only days away and a brief vow seems a flimsy barrier between you and the one you love—keep for your husband what’s his (and his wife what’s hers) and spare all of you regret.
When right now has you all flustered and confused, go for the someday thank you. It may just come from you.
Read Tip #1: Men Who Love Jesus
Read Tip #2: Realistic and Fair Expectations
Read Tip #3: Giving it Time
Read Tip #5: Letting God be Hero