by Ashley Haupt | Feb 24, 2015
Every one of us has at least one chapter in our life story we wouldn’t have included. We usually edit those parts out if we can get away with it. We share the honorable parts; we hide the shameful parts of ourselves.
Recently, at a women’s event, I shared my whole story, minus the editing. Also, I’m a pastor’s wife. Of course, this doesn’t really mean anything except that I’m a sinner, too, just like anyone else, but with expectations.
It wasn’t easy — there was sweat; there was vulnerability, but I walked away from the podium just a little bit freer on the inside.
It was scary; it was hard; it was good.
Here are three things I’ve learned about vulnerability:
1. The chapters we edit out are the ones that connect us to others in important ways. When we own the darker parts of ourselves, we are astonished to discover fellow strugglers on this weary way in a broken world full of sin, selfishness and Satan. The weaknesses are the parts we love to hide, but the weaknesses are the sources of grace. As believers, we believe that nothing is wasted and nothing in our lives can separate us from Christ. God uses the dark parts of our stories to shape us, hollow us out to hold more grace. Paul wrote, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me” (2 Cor. 12:9-10).
2. To be fully known is to be fully loved. I’m not suggesting we all share our difficult chapters with rooms full of people, but I am suggesting we share them with someone. Preferably a trusted someone, someone safe to receive it. If we are to be rooted and grounded in love, we also need to be known and seen for who we are, the strengths and weaknesses. We know and believe that God sees us, loves us, forgives us, but we also need to be loved by the body of Christ, tangible, physical, balm to our human need for connection. (If your story includes any sexual content, it’s best to share female-to-female and male-to-male. Due to the shame surrounding sexual sin, it’s very important to share it with someone safe.)
3. People prefer vulnerability to perfection. Often we want to appear as though we are strong and have it all together, but this is not necessarily what others want from us. There is a time and a season for everything, and sometimes, others just want to know they aren’t alone. If we’re strong, it will be evident, but our weaknesses are often secrets no one would guess, and we like it that way. But the Bible reminds us to comfort others with the comfort we ourselves have received. We could help others close their own dark chapters by sharing what we’ve lived and learned—if only to say “You WILL live through this. You WILL smile and laugh again one day.”
Each of has our own story, and when we own all the parts of our story, we own the unique shape of our own soul, crafted by God Himself. Each life is a book with many chapters, and God and I are still writing my story. I can own the shame, the honor, the dark chapters and the bright ones, because none of these define me. My identity is secure in Christ.
After many months of dwelling on these truths, I felt God calling me to share my full testimony, to step out and stand on the waters of truth. Though the waves crash, though my palms sweat, Christ in me is the hope of glory. Because of Him, I can be vulnerable, I can be loved, and I can be flawed and human and imperfect.
Free indeed.
by Ashley Haupt | Feb 3, 2015
Last week, my friend and I were visiting and taking advantage of the beautiful sunny weather with a total of eight children between the two of us. Two of our older boys were playing on a playground within sight of my house. As we finished up our visit, I ran out to collect them, and another mom stopped me,
“Do you know that young man?” She indicated my son, Benjamin.
“Because he is cutting the trees with a knife.” She said this in a very injured tone, as if she was telling me that he had been cutting her own child. Immediately, I felt the sting of shame because I hadn’t been out there with Ben. I walked the boys back to the house, directing Ben to put the butter knife back in my silverware drawer and explaining to him why I didn’t want any of my silverware traveling outside. (I didn’t say anything about the trees because I’m pretty sure they can defend themselves against a butter knife.)
Mom-judging is inevitable. This time it happened to be a stranger, but it can happen even in the best of scenarios and the best of friends and the best of hearts. But it doesn’t mean we need to get stuck in a quagmire of doubt over the question, “Am I doing it right?”
Every mother, maybe every parent wonders. Am I doing it right? But the problem with this question is that at all times and all places and all seasons, the answer is both yes and no. At any given time, I am choosing both sacrificially in one place and selfishly in another. Every day is filled with too many choices for them to all be checked “Best.”
That’s when we need to realize that we’re asking the wrong question. Am I doing it right? will only ever torment because it can never be fully and finally answered. What we should ask instead is this:
Am I doing the best I can with what I have and what I know?
This is a better question because it does not reduce the art of parenting into an equation with one possible answer. This question still allows us to grow. It allows us to receive new information without guilt over the past. I didn’t know better then, but now I do. Now I can change.
Cultures across the world display the endlessly creative ways to be a mom. Am I doing the best I can with what I have and what I know? opens up space for all the vast differences between us: single, divorced, working, homeschooled, public schooling, wealthy, poor, educated, and every demographic of life. It’s the only question that saves us from harshly judging both ourselves and other moms.
We can answer this question with Yes! Yes I am. or No, I can do better than this! This is not who I want to be.
And if we find within ourselves a gap between what we’re doing and what we know, we make adjustments: small, purposeful. Maybe big and radical. We do our best to learn and grow. We focus on the journey rather than arrival. And maybe we say, “This is the best I can do right now, even though I want to grow. This is my season just to hold steady. Next season, I’ll plant abundantly, but I need to lie fallow for a spell.”
And here’s why I believe we can ask this better question: Because I believe grace fills the cracks.
We have a good-sized crack in the stones surrounding our front door. I don’t know how the crack happened; I could not have prevented it. But my dad came yesterday and used some caulk and the right tools to fill and seal the crack.
We all have cracks in our parenting. All of us. And most likely, we could not have known how to prevent these cracks. Perhaps they came from our parents before us or their parents before them. We can’t know what we need to know before we know it. But we have a Father like my earthly father who has the right tools (the substitutionary atonement of Christ) and the right substance (grace) to fill and seal our cracks.
I believe this 100 percent, and that’s why I am asking myself a better question.
Maybe you will join me?
by Ashley Haupt | Jan 13, 2015
A wild wind whistles at the window while my weather app shows a frosty forecast. Temps have plunged into the single digits, and snow days are on the horizon. Sickness sweeps through our community, and the sun takes a long winter nap. As the snow piles on, sometimes our spirits fall under the weight of the long, grey days. Psychology Today estimates 10 million Americans are affected by seasonal depression during the winter months, often characterized by lethargy and a significant drop in energy, mood and motivation.
But winter doesn’t have to be sad! We can fight back against the winter blues and prevent seasonal depression. Just recognizing the problem and taking steps goes a long way. Here are some ideas:
- Get some green. Buy a few new green plants for your house to simulate the outdoors and freshen the air. Plants increase the oxygen in the air and give you something to care for and enjoy.
- Open your blinds every morning, right away. If the sun does come out, take a lesson from your feline friends and enjoy a few minutes to bask in it. Use that time to pray and thank God. Both the sunlight and the gratitude will lift your spirits.
- Clean house. No, you don’t feel like doing it, but taking some time to claim your space and make it feel fresh goes a long way to lifting your mood and motivation. Buy something new, maybe a wall hanging or a nice candle and promise yourself to clean up before you use it.
- Disinfect. While you are cleaning, use some good-smelling disinfectants and go to town on your frequently-used appliances, major surfaces and doorknobs. If you have small children, they will be happy to help you wipe down surfaces with a Clorox wipe. They can get hard-to-reach place. You’ll cut down on your germs, and everyone will feel better in a clean home.
- Rearrange. Consider rearranging your furniture or painting a room in a brighter color to find more personal satisfaction in your environment.
- Take your vitamins. You can take your typical drug-store brand vitamins, but also choose lots of citrus fruits when you go shopping. Grapefruit, naval oranges, cuties, lemons, and limes are all in season and will keep you feeling your best.
- Rest up. If you do get sick, take the time to sleep and let your body do its natural healing process. Do not push through, as that will most likely result in relapse. Rest, read and heal so you can be back at your best as quickly as possible.
- Make a book list. Choose to use the season as a time to cuddle in and stimulate your brain. Giving yourself a goal in book-reading will keep you moving along.
- Have a dance party. We all need exercise, but it’s hard to stay motivated when you are cooped up indoors. The best way to exercise in winter is to get your body moving to music. Music is God’s gift to us, and even the most rhythmically-challenged person can move his or her body to the beat. It’s more fun to do with others, but even alone can make you smile. Dancing with the body God has given you is its own kind of worship.
- Plan events! Don’t wait for others to do it: schedule get-togethers. Everyone will be glad you did, including you, and all that positive interaction will get your joy going again.
- Tell a friend. Just sharing your blues with one person will lighten the load. There’s no shame in asking for help; in fact, it brings people closer together when we are willing to be vulnerable with each other.
- Dust off your journal. Expressive writing has been proven to improve the emotional health of individuals who engage daily. Sometimes we don’t realize the weight of the emotions we are carrying, and a journal is a safe place to pour out some of our deepest thoughts and prayers. It’s also a tangible way to cast our cares upon Christ, knowing He cares for us.
As believers, we know that God gives us all the seasons for our good and His glory. He has good purposes for winter. We spend more time with our family; we take more time to slow down, pray, and read His Word. By taking some of these simple steps, we can reclaim winter as a special season of worship.
by Ashley Haupt | Dec 31, 2014
Dear Taylor Swift,
My daughter adores you.
I realize she is one of millions of young women who do, but you see, she’s my daughter, and she’s seven, and I wasn’t really ready for this. The other night she stood in the aisles of Target, torn between the toys and the CDs–your CDs, trying to decide what she wanted for Christmas.
I never had this dilemma at seven, Taylor; I always wanted a doll for Christmas. But my dolls of the past have become four real babies in the present, and my first baby is growing up, which is terrifying. And she’s not me; she’s herself. She stood deliberating by your CDs, and I couldn’t believe it. The influence of an artist is upon her, and I was scared.
I don’t want to give you the wrong impression, Taylor: my daughter is very innocent. Her favorite song that you sing is “Never Grow Up.” She came to me the other day to whisper something shocking a girl had said at school. The girl had playfully said, “I’m sexy and I know it,” and Abby didn’t know what that meant.
It’s a strange world for childhood, isn’t it Taylor? It wasn’t too long ago that Miley, beloved by legions of little girls, cut off her hair, her restraint, her mystery, and her dignity and flung them to the wind to bare all of herself to the world. She chose to use her vast artistic platform to broadcast one puerile, cliché message: I’m sexy and I know it. She never spoke truer words when she called herself a wrecking ball.
Abby missed the Miley era; she was a toddler then. But your star is rising, and she’s taken notice. So, I’m watching you a little anxiously, Taylor. I am watching to see what you will do with your empire. I read your cover article in Time magazine. I was impressed–your ambition, your lyrical writing and musical craftsmanship, and your crossover from country to pop are all admirable. What now will you do with your power and your platform?
Rhianna, Beyoncé, and Nicki Minaj have all made their stand on small variations of the same message as Miley. Yes, we see that you are sexy and you know it, and we’re getting a little tired of hearing about it.
Now I am not suggesting, Taylor, that women shouldn’t embrace their own sexuality. I am for that. But sexuality is not an end in itself, and we are souls housed in these bodies. Long after our peak sexual years are passed, we as women have great value and wisdom and life and love to offer. If we choose to be defined primarily by our sexuality, we will be in a world of identity pain when our bodies inevitably start aging.
Taylor, you are a poet, and I believe you could write songs that transcend the cliché themes, songs with soul themselves, songs that live outside you and stand alone because they touch the deep, universal places within each of us. The question is: what will you do with your power and your platform and your responsibility and influence? How will you steward your gift? Will you see your art as a service to the world? Will you think of the little girls coming along behind you or will you, like Miley, be a wrecking ball of personal freedom?
I am hoping for the best, Taylor.
May the Lord guard you and guide you.
Sincerely,
One watching mama.
Photo credit: Featureflash / Shutterstock.com
by Ashley Haupt | Dec 11, 2014
Now that we have given due diligence to Thanksgiving, we turn our hearts and minds to the Christmas season. The temperatures have dropped, most people have trees decorated, and I had my first peppermint mocha from Starbucks today. Tis the season, friends!
After a year-long journey into minimalism, my husband and I want to carry our new focus into Christmas. We long to teach our four children about the joy of the season and focus on Christ’s birth rather than materialism. The world, the flesh, and the devil lure us towards all that is shiny and new rather than all that is merry and bright.
Here are some suggestions for less stuff and more joy this Christmas.
- Watch your calendar squares. This may be the most important thing you do to enjoy your Christmas. Opportunities to give and do good things abound in this season, but that doesn’t mean you can or should do them all. Choose your charities, your volunteering, and your parties carefully. Pick your favorites and don’t feel guilty to say “no.” As a family in the pastoral ministry, we get invited to everyone’s holiday parties. It’s wonderful to be included, but we cannot feel obligated to everyone. Do you need a weekend just to watch Christmas movies and wrap presents? It’s OK to decline some invites, especially that cookie exchange if you and your family are already sugared out.
- Bake less, but spend more time together. Moms, don’t wear yourself out in the kitchen. Choose your very favorite recipes (maybe three) and invite a friend over. Get your kids involved. Hire a babysitter and get in the kitchen with your husband! Share everything you are tempted to overindulge in. My favorite Christmas treat to make is Dark Chocolate Sea Salted Toffee, but I must give it away quickly, or I will eat it all!
- Think thrice about gifts. Don’t buy on impulse. Consider very thoughtfully if the items will add meaning and value to your home. If it is a knick-knack, a joke gift, or an obscure appliance, these things will inevitably become garage sale fodder in six months. Don’t buy clutter. Choose beautiful, functional gifts. Consider tickets to a play, services at a beauty salon, special lessons for a child, or even a movie night in a box.
- Clean out closets and kid rooms in preparation for new inflow. You know your kids will be receiving toys for Christmas, so this is an ideal time to give away and clean out their spaces. If you use tubs or containers, clean out the contents and have them empty and ready to receive the new presents. Get your kids involved by having conversations about what you are doing. Their anticipation of the new toys will fuel their desire to let go.
- Control the paper. Paper inflow is a huge source of clutter. Go ahead and prepare a way to display your Christmas cards so they don’t pile up. Throw away kids papers and mail right away if you don’t need to keep it. Have your wrapping paper stored and ready to use and clean up easily.
- Get your shopping done as early as possible so you can relax and enjoy the season. Buy online and let others do the driving and delivery. Be sure to stock up on batteries for kid toys. Front load your to-do list so you aren’t stressed at the very time you want to enjoy the fruits of your labor.
- Continue habits of gratitude throughout December. Kids need extra encouragement to be grateful in a season that can easily degenerate into greed for young people. In our family, we keep it simple: when we eat a meal around the table during the week nights, each person says one thing they are grateful for from that day. Our kids are 7, 5, 3, and 1 and it is a small way for us to redirect their focus from stuff to joy. Their understanding of the practice has grown, and the answers are a joy to hear.
- Consider cutting out. What are the top three sources of stress for you right now as you consider the Christmas season? Maybe you can remove one? Maybe you don’t send out cards this year or you let someone else host or you shorten the time traveling on the road. Rethink some of the stressors to see if you can make changes that will allow you worship like never before.
- Less gifts. Yes, this is good. We all have so much. Less time shopping, less money spent, less time wrapping, less worrying. I like the idea of three gifts: something we need, something we want, and an experience to share with the family. Gifts are nice, and they do make us think fondly of the giver, but experiences bond us together and become parts of who we are.
As we travel through our Christmas season, I am keeping a Merry Little Christmas Journal. Feel free to join the fun at Little Pieces of Ordinary.