by Ashley Haupt | May 11, 2015
Two small children sit entranced in front of a big box TV set. The doorbell rings, and Mom greets the garbage man in a friendly and familiar way. He carries a big trash can into the home, nonchalantly opens the TV, and dumps in a load of garbage. Polite banter with the mom, and then he exits with a “See ya next week!” The kids never move.
When I was a young child, I watched my cartoons on a network provided by a Christian TV station, and the scenario described above was a frequent commercial. I puzzled over it as a child, not understanding the underlying message, which could be summed up in the old adage, “Garbage in, garbage out.”
As a mature believer now, I get it. My husband and I are right in the middle of The Netflix Generation, those of us who have a multitude of TV shows available at the push of a button. Even if we opt out of cable TV, we now have streaming Netflix and Amazon Prime available. We are the generation that has formalized the term “binge watching.”
My husband was a movie buff before we met, and I am a book nerd. We love culture, drama, theater, and the arts. We are in the ministry, yet we like the same things as other people: humor, drama, loveable characters, suspense, action, mystery.
We, too, have binge-watched, and we have regretted our decisions. Tired mornings, conviction and spiritual stupor seem to be the pay-off for the times we have over-indulged in a favorite show. We have started multiple Netflix series, hailed by Christians and non-Christians alike as the best of the best, only to break-up with our favorite characters due to conviction.
We must draw the line somewhere.
It’s tricky, that line. We find that each one of us is sensitive to different types of content, and we are careful to respect each other’s needs. We pray for discernment and when we fall into a rut of TV-watching every night, we step back and recover some time to be a couple, talking and connecting.
But it takes discipline. With four small children, it takes discipline not to just fall on the couch each night when the last one is in bed and completely check out. We’ve had seasons that was just all we could do, and God has grace for us in those times. It takes intentional effort to connect.
So what fuels this effort?
Certainly not fear that we will be disqualified from our salvation through sin. We do sin and fall short and make poor choices, including what we watch on TV. We understand that we are made holy through the blood and righteousness of Christ. His atonement is our payment. What we do does not disqualify us from the inheritance He purchased for us. We sin, and our final punishment is paid. We no longer fear relational separation.
But it still matters. The content we watch on TV enters our eyes, our mind, our hearts, and our lives. It appeals to our flesh and our senses, which continue to be stained by sin until we die. What we watch can certainly lead us astray from the powerful, holy life Christ died to give us. Our TV screens offer us a taste of every kind of evil the world has to offer, made to look appealing. Sin looks glamorous. Clever experts design shows that appeal to our appetites. Our flesh will not protest these indulgences; the discipline must arise from the Spirit within us.
Galatians 6:7-8 says, “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.”
We reap eternal life now when we choose the Spirit over the flesh. This doesn’t mean we feel guilt over every evening of relaxation, but it does mean we practice discernment and stay alert and aware to the balance in our lives. Investing in our relationships is not as comfortable as flopping mindlessly on the couch, but we can have absolute confidence that God will bless our efforts. We will reap a bountiful harvest.
And while we do not fear final separation from our heavenly Father, we know that our pursuit of holiness helps us draw near to Him. Hebrews 12:14 says, “Make every effort to be holy, without holiness no one will see the Lord.” His discipline comes through consequences; we reap what we sow.
For those of us in The Netflix Generation, we can choose to redefine ourselves. We don’t have to be defined by the shows that we watch or the hours wasted. We can reap a new harvest and a new identity as we strive to put our treasure and our minds where we want our hearts to be.
It happens one night at a time.
What do you consider as you watch television?
by Ashley Haupt | Apr 14, 2015
I lost my patience entirely one morning. We were running late; my daughter was fussing about me combing out her hair (and many other things), and I gave her hair one yank in anger as I combed out the last snarl.
She happened to be sitting by an open window in our house, and our neighbors were out working in their backyard. She screamed as though she’d been struck and burst into passionate tears, her weeping and sobbing carrying out the screen into the open air.
I said more things in anger, ugly things. I was astonished at my own anger, how quickly I’d lost my cool. After she left for school, I prayed and confessed, feeling the weight of guilt, but trying to claim the truths of the Word – that “if we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin and cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).
At lunchtime, I surprised her at school in the cafeteria with lunch. I looked her in the eye and told her I was sorry for my outburst that morning. We hugged and had lunch together. Mommy sins, too. My daughter will know this. I hope it will help her when she is in the pressure-cooker of motherhood one day.
Not 24 hours earlier, I was reading The Enemy Within by Kris Lundgaard, subtitled “straight talk about the power and defeat of sin.” Apparently, God wanted to give me more than a textbook lesson. I’m a pretty visual learner, and He gave me a hands-on opportunity to learn about the power of sin to take us by surprise and defeat us, as it certainly did to me that morning.
When Paul writes of Satan’s attempts to defeat the newborn church, he writes, “We are not unaware of his schemes.” We, too, must be wise to the workings of sin within us as we battle the flesh and seek after God, knowing it is His grace working within us to help us overcome.
Here are four sneaky sin tactics:
1. Sin resides in our flesh and resists the things of God. Have you ever resolved to read your Bible, only to open it and find your mind flying to every other thing? Have you ever determined to pray about something, only to find your body wants to fall asleep instead? You have witnessed the flesh in action.
The flesh resists the things of God, which are Spirit-wrought. Knowing this helps us fight for spiritual growth. In 2 Cor. 2:11, Paul mentions that he is aware of Satan’s schemes. Knowing the tactics that come against you helps you to combat their potency. Expect your flesh to resist when you determine to grow spiritually. In my case, I had just renewed my desire to arise early and read my Bible, something I had long neglected in the exhaustion of parenting. The outburst with Abby came on Day 2 of my new initiative. I do not think it was an accident.
2. Sin takes cruel advantage of our weakness. My outburst with Abby revealed something to me I did not realize: I was weak. I needed some respite.
We’d had sickness in our house, and I’d missed Easter and weekly fellowship with believers. I was trying to press on, but I needed to acknowledge my weakness and reach out for help. When my outburst revealed this, I took action to reach out for help that very moment. God doesn’t punish us for our humanity, He gives grace and help in our temptations as we call upon Him. But the flesh and the devil will hit us when we are down, sick, tired, and hard-pressed.
At these times, we must resist the urge to pull away spiritually and press in to God instead. James reminds us, “Resist the devil and He will flee from. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.”
3. Sin deceives. If we saw it for what it is, we would never fall for it, but sin deceives. It looks so good, smells good, sounds good, and tastes good, even in the middle of embracing it, we cannot see the evil of it. This is why we fall into sin—because it deceives us. Then we will be tempted either to rationalize It’s not so bad… Everyone does this… It’s just a little thing… But God sees everything, big and small.
Each act of sin is committed quickly and freely, and life flows on like a river, and we think that the current has carried away our sins. But God sees. The stones of our choices cause ripples of consequences in our lives, spiritual and otherwise. But God provides greater grace. Through the Word of God and prayer, we draw near to Him. We repent.He opens our eyes to see the lies. We fight against our flesh to seek Him, and He delights to help us. He delights in our seeking and in our strengthening. We are overcomers in Christ.
4. Sin loves shame. Once we have fallen into sin, the temptation then is to hide in the bushes like Adam and Eve. We think we are the only ones who have ever sinned in this way. What kind of a person sins like this? We asked ourselves. The answer is—all of us.
Since the first bite of sin, we all have the same poison at work in us. So we must combat shame by reminding ourselves that we have not fallen into any temptation except what is common to man. After yelling at Abby, I could have wallowed in guilt and shame. But instead, I chose to believe in forgiveness and remember that this is sin but it’s not shame.
Shame takes sin from an incident to an identity. You’re a horrible mom for losing your temper like that. We must be careful to push it back where it belongs, covered under Christ’s atonement. His identity is ours—beloved child. His obedience is mine—faithful servant.
Whatever identity I believe in most deeply is the identity I will live from, and I choose His. I refuse to let shame take me down because it is a lie. We confess our sin, but also our Savior. Yes, I did that, but it’s not who I am. I belong to Christ, and I am hidden in Him and His perfect sacrifice
If you find yourself in a season of defeat against the onslaught of sin, I highly recommend Bible reading, prayer, confession to a trust brother or sister in Christ, and this book The Enemy Within by Kris Lundgaard.
by Ashley Haupt | Apr 3, 2015
It is finished.
These words, the last exhalation of life slipping from Jesus’s lips to signify the end of all things old and dead and bloody and corrupted. What seemed like a humiliating conclusion to a bloody spectacle was in fact the final, victorious fulfillment of a battle He chose to lose.
What “It is finished” means to me.
It means the end of fearful toil, ceaseless striving after perfection, running scared before the wrath of failure.
It means I am free to be me, imperfectly unique, vulnerable and fully human because He finished the perfect obedience for me.
It means I am free to fail, fall down, fall short, feel small because I know I have already received the finished work on my behalf.
It means the end is secure, and I can concern myself with making the most of the present moments.
It means I can fall on Jesus when life falls apart because, like kid movies, I know the ending will be good no matter what the present looks like.
It means that when I have done all I can do, I just lay down in a quiet tomb of my own surrender because God is the one bringing resurrection life to me; I don’t manufacture it on my own.
It means that when all looks dark, God is working the greatest work of all deep under the noisy surface circumstances.
It means that death, all kinds of death, is only the beginning.
It means that spiritual battles are real; Satan will seem to prevail at times, but Jesus is always greater, stronger, more powerful. Sunday is coming.
It means that while we know the plans He has for us are good, we all have to live in Real Time, and it really hurts and takes our breath away and feels like The End, but grace runs down to fill the deepest holes we can find ourselves in.
It means that my own battles with sin will be bloody and fierce and wounding, but because I can live holy in Christ Jesus. Today.
It is finished. For you, for me, for us.
Hallelujah.
by Ashley Haupt | Mar 16, 2015
Dear Abby,
I watched you almost as much as the movie. Seven years old in your navy-and-white sundress, eyes full of the Hollywood glitter of Cinderella, you were entranced. I was, too. Hollywood does that to us, Abby. It transforms us to a delightful distraction from everyday life. When I enter the bathroom after the credits, I always feel like I’m passing through a portal back to Real Life.
I want it all for you, Abby, like most moms do. I want you to be spellbound by the stories. I want you to read deep and wide: fiction and non-fiction and fantasy and history. I want you to dive down so deep into stories that you find hope where you didn’t even realize it was beginning to fade, perspectives you never considered, and storylines that cause your mind to expand.
I also want you to be able to travel smoothly back to Real Life, to be able to pass through the portal of the movie theater bathroom and back into your own life without discontent, or maybe discontent in the right direction. Maybe you feel a fire to evoke change in your own life or for the good of others, to stop settling, or to pursue your passions. I think the movies can do this for us, Abby.
But there is another kind of discontent, too. Because sometimes when you are mistreated and run away, you don’t always find a prince waiting in the woods. Or you find one, but he’s a snob, too, and he doesn’t see the diamond you are beneath your rags. He only sees the rags.
Sometimes God calls you to submit to your wicked stepmothers in life and sometimes God calls you to have courage and be kind by standing up for yourself, because you are a person, too, Abby. Sometimes the characters in your life don’t fall into neat categories of good and bad. Sometimes very good people behave badly, and by standing up for yourself, you can show them their error and learn your own worth, too. Sometimes bad people seem good until it’s too late, and damage is done. Sometimes you’ll be gloriously rescued, and other times, you’ll be your own prince and you’ll rescue yourself. You’ll learn then what a kind and courageous friend you are after all.
Sometimes Abby, you’ll be horrified to discover that in one storyline, you yourself have been the wicked one, the bad guy. These moments sting the most, but they pierce our perpetual hero complex, deflating an innate sense of pride and ego. This is painful, but produces good fruit, Abby. Try not to run from these moments of revelation. They will usher you into new seasons of growth and transformation. God will work in you, always, as you submit to Him and His process. Nothing is beyond use in His economy.
In the end, Cinderella revealed something very true: eventually you must show the person you love who you truly are, and wait in suspense to know: will they still love you? Will he take you as you are, rags, orphan and all? All of us have rags, Abby. All of us have poverty of some sort or the other. Your truest companions will love you anyway. Be cautious of the ones who require you to change.
Enjoy all the stories, Abby–Esther and Ruth and Sarah and Mary, and Cinderella. Let no one story be your goal to emulate. Take strands of each one and weave hope, love, courage, humility and truth into your own story. Look for your prince, always understanding the most important Story will carry you above and below and wrap its arms around you. One Prince holds you wider and deeper than what is happening in any one circumstance. Let Him be your guide and your goal and all the other things will start happening, too.
I love having a daughter, but I really love having you as a daughter.
Love,
Mama
by Ashley Haupt | Mar 4, 2015
Property lines contribute to healthy communities. If you have clear property lines, maybe even good strong fences, as the illustrious Robert Frost recommended, you know when someone is trespassing, and you can hold him or her accountable. You know what area falls within your responsibility to mow and maintain, and what areas belong to others.
Emotional boundaries work the same way. They form clear lines of responsibility and ownership, bringing good clarity and communication between relationships. Strong emotional boundaries, like strong fences, bring beauty, order and health to communities.
Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend have written the wide-spanning book Boundaries for Christians, exploring each area of life affected by this significant concept. Friendships, church membership, business, marriage, finances, and family—all are deeply affected by the quality of our boundaries, yet it is a sorely misunderstood concept. Clear teachings from God’s Word bring peace and benefits.
Here are six brief boundary principles explored more fully in this helpful book.
1. Marriage and Adulthood creates new boundary lines. Biblically, children are under the authority of their parents until they come of age and move out under God’s authority and into their own responsibilities. Both children who continue to depend on parents for help (financially or otherwise), and children who continue to feel obligated to please and obey their parents are injuring God’s natural boundaries. This does not mean we do not care about our parents, but they are no longer our highest authority. We consult God, ourselves, and our spouse first and take care of our own boundary lines in life.
2. Friendships are based on attachment and strengthened by boundaries. Friendships are differentiated from work, church, or marriage relationships in that they are formed only by attachment—two people who enjoy each other or common interests. This creates loose bonds, easily formed and easily dispatched with plenty of room for conflict. Friendships formed out of obligation, guilt, or codependence are not healthy and will inevitably breed conflict. God gives us freedom to enjoy certain people based upon temperament, interests, similarities, and compatibility. He doesn’t ask us to be friends with everyone. We can have good healthy bonds with work and church members, extended family and relatives without feeling pressured to be “friends” with everyone we meet. This would imply we will enjoy everyone, something we don’t always have control over. Friends are very significant, but they do not replace God, and we need to develop several deep friendships, so that we are not putting unrealistic expectations on any one friend.
3. Marriages need healthy separation. Due to the one-flesh nature of marriage, boundary issues are most rampant in this sacred union and most important to be solved. The bond is like none other on earth except with that of Christ, but the identities are separate, as well as the roles, responsibilities and personalities. God did not design that married couples become one conglomerated person, unable to function apart from our spouse. He designed us to be healthy, whole, and fulfilled in Christ, and from that union, we love our spouse and find joy in a mutually beneficial and sacrificial relationship. Sometimes that means we need to tell our spouse “no” when they are not exercising self-control. In the book, the authors gave the example of one spouse who continually makes the other late to events. Years of nagging produced no effect, but when the punctual spouse finally just left to arrive on time without the other, the left-behind spouse had to face the consequences of her actions. When she did, she quickly changed her ways. This was not unkind on the part of the punctual spouse, but rather resulted in necessary personal growth for the tardy one. This example demonstrates a healthy separation when actions are causing anger or sadness.
4. Compliant people (people-pleasers) need stronger boundaries. While boundaries provide good healthy principles for everyone, compliant personalities tend to be the most boundary-injured, due to their strong inner desire to please those around them. What they do not realize is that they are not doing anyone any favors by allowing their boundaries to be overstepped. Boundary-injured people often feel used and overlooked, out-of-control and unable to say “no”. They have much resentment and anger hidden inside, which comes directly from not keeping strong boundaries. People pleasers tend to expect that those they are trying to please will automatically know and respect their boundaries—such as when they have given of themselves to exhaustion and need a break. Actually it is the responsibility of the exhausted one to admit their need of a break. Compliant people will find themselves happier, stronger and more able to love those around them when they increase the strength of their inner boundaries.
5. All of us need to respect each other’s “no.” This is especially significant in church work. Because churches operate largely on volunteers to fill needed service roles, much room exists for resentment, obligatory service, and boundary conflict. Bottom line: If you ask someone to serve and he or she says no, respect them for knowing their own boundaries. Filling the spot is your job, and everyone else is not obligated to do it for you by saying “yes”. Don’t gossip about those who say “no”; respect their time and heart enough to accept the “no” graciously. None of us truly knows what others carry, what secret burdens or hurts lie under the surface. What may be easy service for one could bring much inner turmoil for another. What if a woman suffering after a secret miscarriage is sneered at by the nursery coordinator because she declines to serve for a month or two? The best, most loving way is for us to respect the “no’s” and trust God to convict (which He will!) when someone is truly being lazy or unloving with their time.
6. Sometimes we need to let others reap what they sow. This is a toughie for the Christian community. We want to bear one another’s burdens, live a life of love and serve in compassion ministries. And we should! But that doesn’t mean we don’t exercise discernment in the body of Christ as we serve. In unexpected times of crisis, we certainly come alongside one another to help bear the burden of life that has become excruciating.
But in daily life, the Bible says, “Each one must carry his own load (Gal 6:5).” Continually rescuing an irresponsible person from the consequences of his behavior is not wise or loving; it interrupts God’s natural pattern: If a man does not work, he does not eat. To help a person break bad habits in his or her life, they must feel the consequences of the behaviors. As Christians, we are keenly aware that Christ sowed a perfect life, so we could reap eternal life. He did interrupt the Law of Sowing and Reaping by bearing our consequences, so we could avoid punishment for our sins. Sometimes, I believe God will call us to take that role for others, but as a general rule for life, we are not the Christ. Each of us has a different, unique daily load to bear and God alone will give us grace to succeed.
Boundaries provide good, strong wisdom rising directly from the heart of the Word of God. May we understand, respect and practice this wisdom in our lives.
